It’s a real dilemma, after years together, you start to doubt if your relationship will hit the altar or if you’re wasting your time. Find some answers and find out what to do.
At one point before meeting my husband, I was in a multi-year relationship with an ex-boyfriend. At that time, I believed that I was ready to say yes, and I thought that the relationship would culminate in marriage. However, after several years I began to doubt whether the same goals and that we wanted the same things. Obviously, when the relationship ended, I understood that I was in a big mistake, and that it would have been a very big mistake to push for a marriage with someone who was not ready for that step.
This is a very common story in today’s couples. Maybe you find yourself in that situation or you know someone who is going through it; These couples have been together for many years, some dating and others living together in the same home.
The problem arises when one of the two people, usually the woman, hopes to take the relationship to the next step and the man does not even consider it as an option.
At the end of 2015, the Colombian actress Ximena Duque made her decision to end her 6-year relationship with her ex-partner, the actor, Carlos Ponce, very public because he was not willing to marry her. They seemed to be a loving and very happy couple, which leads us to wonder: Why do some men refuse marriage if they are in happy relationships? Is it lack of love or lack of commitment? The answer to these questions is not so simple.
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Take these points into consideration if you find yourself in this dilemma:
Fear of divorce:
According to a 2011 study conducted by Cornell University and Central Oklahoma University, the number one reason why men flee into marriage is fear of divorce.
Specifically because of the social, legal, emotional and of course economic ramifications that a divorce entails. Despite the fact that no couple marries thinking of later divorcing, it is a reality that is considered based on statistics that show that an average of 40 to 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce or permanent separation.
Fear of losing the magic in the relationship:
Also, nowadays we are daily bombarded with ideologies that marriage means the total loss of romance, flirtation, and the good times experienced in dating. It is represented as the beginning of a boring stage in which you give up your freedom and give control of your life to someone else. This, of course, is not a palatable concept of marriage, and whoever gets carried away by it, it may be that they have not found the person who will make them tear down those misconceptions.
The value of marriage is downplayed:
Another possible reason why a man refuses to marry is because of a decline in traditional values in today’s society. Many couples now cohabit before getting married. This would not represent a conflict within the couple if neither party wanted a legal marriage.
But if this changes, and the woman aspires to the title of legal wife, the man may refuse if he feels that in a marriage he would have more obligations and the same or fewer benefits than in his current relationship. Many excuse cohabitation with the idea that marriage “is just a role” and that it does not fully represent the dimensions of a relationship.
What should you do?
If you are in a relationship and you want to get married but he does not take the initiative or does not touch the subject, the first thing you should do is talk with your partner and make your wishes and expectations clear.
Do not stop to say what you want for fear of creating confrontations or driving him away. If he is not even willing to talk about it with you, it is very possible that he does not look at you as his future wife and is with you to pass the time and not be alone.
If he talks to you about the subject, try to take into account several aspects such as, if the two of you are in a suitable economic situation to form a marriage or in what position they are with the idea of having children. These aspects will help you decide if a marriage really is the right step with your partner.
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At the end of the day, if YOU KNOW that you want a marriage and want to start a family, vocalize it and make it clear. If he really wants you in his life, and you have been in a dating relationship for a long time, he will know how to overcome all the social barriers that paint a dark picture of marriage. If he is not willing to do that for you, despite being aware of what your wishes are, no matter how hard it may be, perhaps it is time to evaluate your relationship and make a decision between continuing to wait or continuing on your own.