The Correct Scaffolding To Build A Healthy Self-esteem In Our Children

On many occasions children have emotional outbursts. The way to apply corrections is often improper, because far from teaching them to know their emotions and channel them, we teach them to react like an adult. How to teach them?

Things are like this

Children from a very young age have the ability to absorb and internalize the knowledge and worldview of the adults around them. For example, if the child has a battering parent, or one who is loving and gentle, they will not question either one or the other. He will simply absorb patterns of behavior, and he will understand that “things are like this”, and when he grows up, he will most likely do what he saw done in the first five years of his life. In addition to this example is a very important aspect: the verbal communication that the adult gives to the child, which is crucial for the child to develop an internal language that will help him to grasp those experiential foundations of which I have spoken above.

It is very important for the adult to speak out loud when thinking about the child’s actions and to give a pedagogical meaning to the experience. This is called “responding” or being proactive, not reactive. When the adult despairs and reacts, either with anger, or with any negative behavior, he is teaching the child, through example, to do the same and his emotional intelligence will not be able to develop healthily. Actions speak louder than words, so when a child goes through a stage of emotional outbursts or situations that get out of control due to the lack of limits, the adult must channel his anger, because really the behavior that he presents to the child , It is not against the adult, but it is a situation that is setting off an alarm that indicates “show me how!”

Learn to manage frustration

Then every tantrum or tantrum is a good time to see an area of ​​opportunity where both of you can grow. Not everything in life has to be painful to bring the best lessons. Pain indicates that strategies must be changed to achieve fluency. So if your child gives you headaches, then it’s time to play “name…” Let me explain: Children, due to their short experience in life, cannot always rationally identify what they feel, they only express it emotionally , so you must learn what it is called and how to operate.

So the next time your child throws a tantrum, screams, cries and explodes, instead of screaming louder than him, threatening him and getting angry, what he needs is for you to do the opposite: breathe, watch him and with a voice gentle, melodious and confident, you will say to him: “I know how you feel, sometime I felt too (angry, frustrated, powerless, etc.) However, I discovered that feeling like this does not make me get what I want, there are other ways top”. When you see it calmer it will be because you are (that is called empathy), children are highly empathetic and that is why they are hooked on your emotional response. So what you do and say is decisive here, for your emotional learning and your personal worth.

I do not accept your behavior, but I love you

Always tell him this way: “What I don’t like is your behavior, but I love you and I love you.” One as an adult must always be aware that thoughts, emotions, attitudes and behaviors can be trained, and that at all times there is the power to choose the right ones. However, they must be exercised and strengthened directly in the field of action. When we don’t train them, and we respond by losing control of ourselves, we lose our dignity.

So, always before acting, train yourself to think and allow your child to save his dignity. How? Focusing on what he must change, which is his behavior, his way of acting, his strategies, to get what he wants. You can always save his identity with a simple phrase.

The right way and the wrong way

Correct way: “You behave like (a disobedient, a rude, or the undesirable behavior that is committing)”.

Wrong way: “You are disobedient, rude, loud, etc.”

The first can be changed, because it has to do with a behavior, and it does not have to do with your SELF (who IS). In addition, in the former you will always have the power to choose. While the second has to do with the internal identity structure, which cannot be changed, therefore it is not the same to say:


– Fat, angry, aggressive, etc. (You can choose to change it), which:

“You are”

– Fat, angry, aggressive, etc. (He formulates an unconscious label for life, a script of the type: “things are like that”, which he himself will try to fulfill forever).

Remember: just talking or just acting is not enough. Take care that there is always congruence between your way of thinking, feeling, acting and speaking; then your results will be optimal in any situation and you will also be teaching your children to properly apply their strategies. I suggest you take the test starting right now and support whoever needs it by sharing this information.

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