Let Your Children See You Argue, Never Fight

Why is it good for your children to see you argue, but not fight? Find the answer here.

The way we see conflict in the couple is closely related to the type of conflict we saw between our parents. There are two extremes, those parents who were never seen arguing or fighting and, if these conflicts existed, they were always behind closed doors. And there are also those where the discussion and the fight were the same: screaming and more screaming. We can come to think that the first couple did their children a favor, however, it is important that ours understand that arguing is not the same as fighting.

Before pointing out the differences between arguing and fighting, it is important to understand that fights happen even in the best relationships and that, to some extent, they are inevitable (although they are still destructive). So my purpose is not only to help you understand the differences, but to try that the diverse opinions that are presented in your partner, are resolved in discussions and not in fights. With this in mind, let’s get started:

1. It is good for children to watch discussions

This is a controversial point, however, it is of the utmost importance: I agree that it is not good for children to see us fight, but I think it is of benefit for them to see arguments between their parents. In this way they learn that it is okay to have different ways of thinking and that it is not necessary to attack, to resolve such differences. In psychotherapy, we see that the patients who best solved their problems were those who saw their parents argue. So, if there is a difference of opinion with your partner and you are not comfortable having that conversation in front of your children, it is probably because you are not arguing, but fighting.

2. The volume is different

In an argument, someone may raise their voice a little, although the goal is not to make it happen. Instead, in a fight the screams abound. It is clear that the voice volume is very different in the two situations.

3. Understanding is the goal

In a fight the goal is to win, in an argument the point is to understand. When we discuss something, we seek to understand our partner’s point of view even if we do not agree with what they think; Likewise, we try to validate what our partner feels, even if we don’t understand it. If the moment comes when we no longer care what our partner has to say, it is because we are no longer arguing, but fighting.

4. Use your emotional intelligence

In an argument, the couple has mutual respect; If respect is lost at some point, forgiveness is quickly asked and the tone and atmosphere of it are modified. In a fight, not only respect has been lost, but the more hurt our partner is, the better, because it means that we win.

The differences between fighting and arguing are not so small, nor are they difficult to identify; It is important to recognize them not only for the good of our relationship, but also for the benefit of our children. Not every difference is cause for a fight, but can be resolved in discussion. Make it your goal to resolve your relationship conflicts less in the form of a fight, and more in the form of an argument. Your partner and your children will thank you.

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