I Don’t Want To Get So Angry, But He’s Stronger Than Me

If there is anger, there is a message for you that you have to listen to in order to learn to improve your life. Do you get angry very often?

When we talk about emotions, we generally talk about positive and negative ones; but we could be in error. In reality, all functions are positive, there is nothing wrong in feeling any of them,  since they all have a specific function, and each one adds to the purpose of all: to survive.

Emotions are not voluntary; and in fact it is what makes us like animals, since it is a biological reaction from the substances that are secreted in our body. What we reflect, believe, and do with those emotions is what will make them fulfill their function or not.

Among those emotions that we do not want to feel, is anger. We think it is wrong to be angry. Socially, when someone gets angry we are scared, or we even call it “angry” and we walk away.

However, it is important to be able to give anger a place in our life. First of all, naming it may let us decide what to do with it in a more conscious way. To do this, I share some important points regarding this emotion.

The role of anger

Anger usually builds strength. The bloodstream increases, as well as the flow of adrenaline. Both body actions help to take vigorous actions. This is like a preparation of the body for the attack. For what? To defend and protect your own life; Putting it in a simple case: like the annoyance of someone who constantly tells me nasty comments, it gives us the strength to set a limit. Defend ourselves and make it clear that we will no longer allow that.

What is allowed in anger

This does not mean that the force of anger gives me permission to hit, or force to the other, something that animals do naturally. As humans we are supposed to be able to direct anger in a more civilized way, and that sets us apart. You could tell me “yelling at my husband I won’t hurt him.” But this is a mistake, since with screaming we hurt the ears of others, in addition to activating the neural center of fear.

This is why it is important to be able to manage our anger in a healthier way. With anger we can scream, hit pillows, sing open lungs, exercise, even talk to the person in question. What is unhealthy is hurting yourself, hurting others, damaging objects.

Lost in anger

On some occasions, some patients have shared with me who feel very angry, without knowing what is happening to them. Perhaps you have been or are in some of the following situations:

Adopted feelings

That anger may not be yours. It could be that generations ago there have been many people in history feeling anger, unable to express it and having to submit to their reality to survive. Such is the case of many wives who experienced abuse by their husbands, and felt anger and helplessness, but they could never express, much less solve their situation.

Then then we meet many women who are very intolerant of a husband who is not abusive at all. In reality, they adopt the anger of their previous women, express it instead of them. At last, this feeling is leaving the system. However, it is not towards the right person, and here is another situation that usually accompanies this one.

Read also: Family Secrets in Transgenerational Psychology

Transferred feelings

Sometimes we get angry and land on someone who has nothing to do with the situation; or with someone who for a small and tiny mistake suffers the consequence of a disproportionate anger. This has to do with the fact that many times a percentage of anger is real, and it corresponds to us.

However, another large percentage can come from previous stories in the family system, and that we end up paying someone else’s bill. Such is the case of the previous example, where a loving man with his wife ends up suffering his anger as a result of abuse of previous women. This is not by chance either, this man also ends up paying him on behalf of other men who abused in his family system previously, even though he is not an abuser.

The accumulated anger

Another possibility, and one that is quite common, has to do with this same intolerance and disproportion in the expression of anger. But in this case, it has to do with the thousands of times we repress anger. In this type of situation it is like a sack where we keep pebbles and pebbles, but suddenly this sack can no longer contain more. It is overwhelmed by the weight, and by so many pebbles saved.

Suddenly, the whole sack bursts, and all the stones fall on top of the person who places the last pebble on us, causing the sack to break. This makes it appear that the person who is angry iscrazy, that their anger at what happened is disproportionate. And it is partly true. However, it is also true that there are many stones that were not processed and end up emerging in that last event.

Possible solutions

It is important then, when faced with anger, to be able to learn to express it properly, to be able to review the stories of anger in our family. See how anger is expressed or not expressed in our family. See if there are other people’s anger that we are carrying. Being able to express it with the right person, that is, with the one that has to do with my anger. Not with other people who have nothing to do with it, and unfortunately, it is usually the children.

And finally, don’t let so much anger accumulate. Managing every moment of anger in the present. In this way, there will be no angry, difficult and painful explosions for both parties; but there will be uncomfortable dialogues, but that can reach solutions. Use your anger to benefit, to solve the situation that causes that emotion. Surely, if there is anger, there is a message for you, which will have to be heard in order to learn and improve your life.


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